1. Get to know the staff
That lady scanning your card as you walk in, that high-schooler loading towels onto their shelves, the guy upstairs wiping down equipment- get to know these people. Talk to them, ask questions about their lives, tell them about yourself. Not once, but each time you see them. Soon enough, they’ll start remembering your name, letting you in even if you forgot your card at home, encouraging you to finish that last rep, and providing you with a menagerie of other perks.
2. No flirting
Nothing is less sexy than trying to work-out while trying to be seductive and failing at both.
3. iPods can be your best friend
Unless you have a work-out partner, invest in an iPod. If you can’t afford an iPod, buy headphones and tuck the loose end discretely into your pants so people think you have an iPod. When you enter the gym with headphones in, people know you’re not there to chit-chat. That lady on the treadmill next to you who wants to tell you about how she got all bent out of shape by birthing three wonderful children, ages- silenced by the headphones. That creepy guy flexing his biceps and whistling in your direction, or the pack of preteen girls giggling and pointing your way- silenced by the headphones. Even if your battery dies, or you’re not really plugged in to anything and you can hear everything going on around you, nobody has to know.
4. A quick guide to stains
Dirt, Mud, or Grass Stains: Okay in moderation, but try not to brag about how much fitness you get outside the gym. Too much will make people question your honesty and your balance
Paint Stains: a nice way to say “Hey, I’m an artist, fuck no, I can’t lift that! But at least I’m trying to broaden my horizons, unlike you homophobic narcissistic assholes!”
Sweat Stains: complicated. Sweat after you’ve been working hard is good, unless it has encovered your entire shirt. Multiple and repeated sweat- discolorations that make your white shirt go yellow, not so good.
5. Show some modesty
You know that guy that cuts people off as he passes them on the track, subtly, but in a way that clearly marks him as a dick? Don’t be that guy.
6. Watch what you eat
So you just finished a great work out and now want to reward yourself by eating a king-sized Kit-Kat. That’s good- goals and rewards are great. But wait until you leave. Vending machines can be tempting, but nothing can make people distrust you more. People seek consistency in other people. They don’t want to see that healthy guy that just spent an hour on the treadmill in front of them drinking all his calories back through that can of Pepsi. And even if you are the type that can eat as much of anything they want, don’t brag about it. Many people at the gym are not. Wait until you leave, stop at Coldstone, and then pig out.
7. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
We get it. You have a cell phone. I have one, too, and so does my mom and so does my grandpa. But you have people to talk to you on your cell phone! Wow! I mean, OMG. Yet, no one is impressed. And they definitely don’t want to listen to you gabbon all afternoon. Leave your phone in your bag until you are out of the gym. Unless your last name begins with an O and ends with a bama, you can let people wait an hour to hear that beautiful voice of yours.
8. The Unwritten Pool Rule
Never Never Never refer to the lifeguard as the “towel girl.”
9. It’s not a Will Ferrel movie
As much as you want to laugh at that puny little high schooler struggling to bench the bar, or the overweight woman trying hard to make it to that tenth minute on the elliptical, remember these are real people. They have feelings. Contrary to what you might think, they are not there for your entertainment. So smile at them. An encouraging smile, not a giggle- hiding grin, you jerk.
10. Stick to what you know
The gym is not the place to try new things all alone. If you’ve never used a machine, spare yourself the shame. If you have never used an exercise ball, dear Lord, please ask for directions! You became friends with the staff for a reason- now is the time to ask for an orientation to that new boflex, or tips for using an exercise ball. Nothing looks sadder than trying to figure these things out on your own.
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